Honesty

Today is, as we all know, Cyber Monday.  I had intended on passing it by, with nary a click of the mouse.  That isn’t what happened.  And this brings me to honesty. With myself, and with my other half, when it concerns clothes shopping.

I had all intentions of no more buying for the calendar year.  Budget was used up, I was done.  But I wasn’t.  There were things already filling my shopping list for next year.  Only, the calendar year and the seasons don’t perfectly align.  It’s below freezing NOW.  The winter weather is not waiting until Jan. 1.

Which brings me to two purchases.  One, last week, of an eyelash poncho sweater.  One just this morning of a colorblock moto sweatshirt jacket.  Both on the list.  For next year.

Here is where my old habits came back to haunt me.  The poncho I’d gotten on a bit of a whim.  Yes, I wanted one, but this particular one was just a surprise find on a rack at Ross.  And I thought, “oh why not?”  Fine.  No big deal.  But . . . I made up a white lie to the BF about it.  Squirreled away the purchase and the bag.  Sound familiar?  Not a good thing.  Not good at all.  It’s not about the money.  It was just $25 or something.  It’s about the deceitful behavior.  Saying a friend gave it to me since it was too long on her.  I don’t even know why I came out with that!  And I wish I could take it back.  The statement.  I can take back the sweater, but the cat’s already out of the bag, so to speak.

The second bit of honesty comes in to how I’m fitting them into my budget.  I slated them in next year’s plan and listed the purchase dates from this year.  Ummm . . . November of 2014 is not part of 2015.  How does that make sense?  It doesn’t.  I’m kidding myself.  If it was Dec. 21, and the official start of winter (and only days away from 2015) it makes some sense.  But, no, pre Thanksgiving purchases are in no way next year’s items, no matter what kind of games I want to try and play with my charts and graphs!

I am giving myself kind of a sneaky ‘out’ by crediting gift $$ I know a certain relative always gives for Christmas and birthdays.  I know it will be enough to cover the poncho and jacket.  Yes, it’s still manipulating the numbers, and yes, they were clearly purchased in 2014.  On the one hand, I do want to start buying more seasonally, and the cold weather had me jumping the gun on these items.  But, on the other hand, I don’t want to try and cheat the system, even if it is only made up by myself.  No closet police is coming for me.  But I’m trying to change.  And I don’t want to ‘cheat’.  That was a major reason I started the budget in the first place a few years back.  No more hiding things.

So, it will be a new year, a new start, a new budget.  I slipped.  I can work around it and still start 2015 fresh, with my shopping plan in place and intact.  It’s very hard to break old habits and patterns.  I’m better, but by no means ‘there’ yet.

Do you have games you play in your head or sneaky ways to ‘allow’ yourself to buy things?  Do you have past issues with hiding purchases from your S.O.?  Is there a lack of trust there that needed rebuilding?  It can be quite a delicate balance between personal autonomy and emotional responsibility within a relationship.  If you are all above board with your shopping and purchases, congratulations!!!  And happy Cyber Monday 😉

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6 thoughts on “Honesty

  1. I am completely honest about what I buy with my S.O. We don’t live together so I do believe that changes the dynamic quite a bit. He knows I take great pleasure in my wardrobe and that makes him happy. My Mother, is a different matter. Technically I live next door to my Mother but she sees it as me living with her. She used to give me a hard time about shopping, packages arriving etc. Now she doesn’t go on about it as much. We are coming from very different places. She has been plus sized most of her life and dislikes clothes shopping. I mention the size because when she was thin, she bought and wore very nice clothes. Her weight was a constant bone of contention with my Father (now deceased). As a way to deflect her weight issue, she played the “I’m thrifty and don’t shop therefore have made you richer” card. However she still spends — she has an all-electric new vehicle and I can list other big-ticket items in the $10,000 range that my siblings thought were unnecessary. I just tell them, it’s her money let her have her toys.

    This is tangential but as I’m catching up on your blog (was gone and too busy prior to Thanksgiving), I thought I would put a pitch in for sticking with your old line of work. You are so experienced and ethical, I think that some business is going to realize what a valuable employee you are. It just might take some time though. Hospitality needs experienced mature people not just the usual young things. I’m so sorry your old job is no longer available. Of course you can ignore my unsolicited advice if you really want to make a career change. Is there a voice telling you “it’s about time” or “I should be getting out of hospitality” or “this is a sign”? Or is there a deep-rooted fatigue with all that goes with this line of work. Ask yourself if it’s something you think you *should* be getting out of or do you genuinely *want* to leave hospitality.

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    • thanks for the thoughtful response. It’s been a long time since I did the ‘hide a purchase’ and I have no idea what come over me! I was just waking up and maybe my mind hadn’t clicked into gear yet.
      As for the career change, I’m really not sure. As luck would have it, the BF found a job in his line of work here. Total fluke. I was scrolling through Craigslist for myself when I spotted it. The only dealership in 40 miles and the only desk with his position. Anyway, so the $$ isn’t the main motivator for my work anymore.
      It’s more that I don’t want to run around CRAZY for 8 hours in high season in the center of tourist mania lol. I don’t mind the idea of hospitality, but I think my days of $3000 sales in 6 hours are behind me. I can do it, but I don’t think I want to.
      The bigger issue is insurance benefits for us as we get older. And to be honest, the jobs I’m looking for are less of a drive. Location is my main criteria at the moment. I was actually quite excited to see a new Mexican place opening in downtown Meyers. That I could do! 2.5 mile drive 🙂 and closing at 9 or 10 is fine. It’s the 2am all the way almost in NV and 25 mile round trip I’m over. Gosh, that got to be a novel, didn’t it? Sorry!

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  2. Mo – been there done that! Sneaking packages into the house – or leaving them in the trunk of the car and not bringing them in until DH is gone – or – denying to him that whatever it is that I’m wearing is not new – when it darn well is new – or – telling him that the new item was a gift from a friend/sister/mom – or – praying that the UPS guy would deliver my package before DH got home from work, etc. etc. etc. And every time that I lied or snuck packages in, I would just get a huge pit in my stomach and feel awful for the lie – and then I wouldn’t enjoy the item because I knew that I had come by it “dishonestly!” Every time I wore it – I’d be reminded of how I had deceived him. HATED it!

    So, I decided to change. I did not want our relationship to be plagued by deceit. Relationships are tough enough the way it is, let alone knowingly partaking of a behavior that is a sure ‘trust-buster!”

    But the change has been hard, and yes, I have slipped into my old ways at times. I used to have a very good paying job and we both had separate accounts for “personal” items and so I never had to be accountable to him or anyone – just myself when it came to my purchases. But now, the two of us have our own business and we run it ourselves and so our money is no longer “his” and “mine.” It’s “ours.” And wow – what an adjustment that has been! I really, really hate not having the independence that comes from making my own money – and I really, really hate having to explain to DH why I need a new jacket, a pair of jeans, or belt, etc. etc. His idea of a well-rounded wardrobe is miles apart from my idea of a well-rounded wardrobe! And so we struggle with this. But, I figure that it is normal and expected for us to struggle – and I also figure that it’s all a part of 2 people living a life together and just trying to get by day-to-day with kindness and compassion for each other. Some days we do better than others!

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    • Marley, I think that is the crux of it – sharing the money – and therefore not having the complete freedom to buy what I want when I want because I want to! That was why I established the budget. It was like, hey, I’m spending $150 a month (or whatever) on clothing and I’m not going to debate each separate purchase. But then I got to nickel and diming the cash. I’m trying to switch to less, better quality overall, stuff. I think men in general can get behind ‘less’ lol.
      My friend I used as the excuse (poor girl) laughed and said men don’t get it if it’s not NEEDED. And that’s so true. It’s ‘why do you need a colorblock jacket? You have 7 jackets.’ Not that the BF is constantly harping on my purchases. Not at all. Often he’ll say, that’s such a Mo _____ (dress, shirt, etc).
      And a lot of this is true – we don’t need nearly as much as we want. I’m trying to get past this myself, let alone how the BF sees it. A work in progress for sure. I did say to him, “it’s not about need. It’s about wanting to refresh a certain amount of your wardrobe throughout the year.” Like Coclolion, my BF knows my wardrobe is my hobby that brings me joy. Running, wine, and clothes. That’s all I need to be happy 🙂

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  3. Hi Mo, an interesting discussion!
    I don’t ‘hide’ purchases from my partner, but I don’t ‘share’ them much with him either.
    As for the budget, in previous years I have always carried items over from the last year.
    In Australia Summer begins December 1, so I am recording anything I buy from now on in my 2015 budget under ‘Summer’.

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